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In the Living Years

I wasn’t there that morning
When my father passed away
I didn’t get to tell him
All the things I had to say

I think I caught his spirit
Later that same year
I’m sure I heard his echo
In my baby’s new born tears
I just wish I could have told him in the living years

Say it loud, say it clear
You can listen as well as you hear
It’s too late when we die
To admit we don’t see eye to eye

From The Living Years by Michael Rutherford and B.A. Robertson

May 22, 1962 I was walking home from school. 43 years later I still remember stopping in my tracks, my eyes widening as I rounded the corner to my house. Instantly I knew my grandfather was dead. There could be no other explanation a dozen cars parked in front of our house at 3:30 pm on a weekday afternoon.

My grandfather was a refuge. He was the person I was most comfortable with. The person I could openly talk to. I never told him how much he meant to me.

Most 12 year old kids probably don’t express their feelings that well. Many adults don’t either.

Michael Rutherford’s dad died while he was out of the country. He reportedly had a good relationship with his dad, and wrote the song as a tribute and to encourage people to express their feelings to the ones they love—before it’s too late.

Relationships can be complex. Sometimes people have feelings other than love they want to express, but don’t. Recently, I attended a funeral of an elderly matriarch. Two of her children did not attend the service, one did. The siblings that didn’t attend don’t speak to the daughter who did attend. I don’t know what caused the family to become estranged. Was it a small disagreement that grew? Was it anger that was never expressed? Or was it like the line from Arthur Miller’s play The Price: “The biggest decision is the one you don’t know you’re making until the results start coming in.” What would hurt someone so much they would never speak to their mother or siblings? What price do they pay?

Miller touched on the “price” in his play about two brothers that come together in the attic of their deceased father to dispose of his belongings. Victor, had given up his education in order to put his brother, Walter, through medical school. Victor made other sacrifices, financial and emotional, by taking on the care of his ailing father. But Walter believes Victor was manipulated by their father. It is a story of resentment and guilt that explodes because the two brothers didn’t see eye to eye.

I wonder how many baby boomers will confront their lives, the choices they have made, their own mortality, as they themselves enter old age. As they experience the deaths of their parents, perhaps a sibling or even a child, will they express their feelings to the ones they love, will they try to work out differences, will they part this world in peace?

I recommend, to anyone wanting to read how one person did this, a book titled The Kite Runner. A fascinating work on many levels. It is a novel, but filled with truth. Powerful, haunting, moving, unexpected, riveting, unforgettable, evocative, genuine, extraordinary are words critics use to describe The Kite Runner. It explores decisions parents and children make. How what people say or don’t say later changes lives—often years later. It is a book of sobering reality and pain, but also atonement, redemption, peace and love.

The irony is most of us strive for atonement, redemption, peace and love; but the one sure thing we receive in life is pain. It is up to each of us to figure out what to do with this reality--in the living years. The Kite Runner can help.

Division of Aging and Adult Services
Herb Sanderson, Director
PO Box 1437 - Slot S-530
Little Rock AR 72203-1437
Telephone: (501) 682-2441
Fax: (501) 682-8155