Contact DHHS

Strength at 85

Sixty-five years ago, Takeshi Maeda and John Rauschkolb tried to kill each other at Pearl Harbor.  This week, now both 85, they met face-to-face for the first time – and shook hands.  The Japanese veteran gripped Rauschkolb's arm with his left hand and briefly hesitated, as if he was searching for the right words.  Then he said, “I'm sorry.”  These are opening lines of an Associated Press story written by Audrey McAvoy about the Japanese who bombed Pearl Harbor and the Americans who survived the attack coming together during last October’s anniversary observations.

The story says Rauschkolb, who had to swim under burning fuel to escape bullets being fired at him from a Japanese Zero fighter, admitted “it's difficult to accept” shaking hands with someone who fired a torpedo at his ship.  But, McAvoy reports a significant number of veterans from both countries say they respect each other as professional military men who fought for their countries.  Now in their 80s and 90s, they don't want to live burdened with hatred and want to die with peace in their hearts.

At age 85 these elders reveal strength and the secret of forgiveness.  Forgiveness is something you do for you.

Robin Casarjian, a therapist puts it this way, “Forgiveness is a way that we can release the past.  It allows us to be free emotionally—to be joyous and happy.  You’ll never find a person that’s angry and happy at the same time.  It’s not possible to feel fearful and joyous, or angry and at peace at the same time.  Forgiveness allows us to release the past and be in the present.”

In other words, the real benefit is for the forgiver.

Sidney and Suzanne Simon in the book “Forgiveness” talk about what forgiveness is and isn’t:  Forgiveness is not forgetting; it is not condoning, it is not absolution; a form of self-sacrifice nor is it a clear-cut, one-time decision. 

Forgiveness is a by-product of an ongoing healing process; an internal process; a sign of positive self-esteem; letting go of the intense emotions attached to incidents from our past; recognizing that we no longer need our grudges and resentments, our hatred and self-pity;  no longer wanting to punish the people who hurt us; accepting that nothing we do to punish them will heal us; freeing up and putting to better use the energy once consumed by holding grudges, harboring resentments and nursing unhealed wounds, forgiveness is moving on.

Fred Luskin of Stanford University points out that forgiveness can only occur because we have been given the gift of the ability to make choices.  “We have the choice to forgive or not to forgive and no one can force us to do either.  Conversely, if we want to forgive someone no one can stop us no matter how poorly they may act.  This ability to forgive is a manifestation of the personal control we have over our lives.  It is nice to reflect upon and feel the respect that we have been given to be able to make such profound choices.”

In his book “Forgive for Good” he outlines nine steps to forgiveness:

1. Know exactly how you feel about what happened and be able to articulate what about the situation is not OK.  Then, tell a couple of trusted people about your experience.

2. Make a commitment to yourself to do what you have to do to feel better.  Forgiveness is for you and not for anyone else.

3. Forgiveness does not necessarily mean reconciliation with the person that upset you, or condoning of their action.  What you are after is to find peace.  Forgiveness can be defined as the "peace and understanding that come from blaming that which has hurt you less, taking the life experience less personally, and changing your grievance story."

4. Get the right perspective on what is happening.  Recognize that your primary distress is coming from the hurt feelings, thoughts and physical upset you are suffering now, not what offended you or hurt you two minutes or ten years ago.

5. At the moment you feel upset practice a simple stress management technique to soothe your body's flight or fight response.

6. Give up expecting things from other people, or your life, that they do not choose to give you.  Recognize the "unenforceable rules" you have for your health or how you or other people must behave.  Remind yourself that you can hope for health, love, friendship and prosperity and work hard to get them.

7. Put your energy into looking for another way to get your positive goals met than through the experience that has hurt you.  Instead of mentally replaying your hurt seek out new ways to get what you want.

8. Remember that a life well lived is your best revenge.  Instead of focusing on your wounded feelings, and thereby giving the person who caused you pain power over you, learn to look for the love, beauty and kindness around you.

9. Amend your grievance story to remind you of the heroic choice to forgive.

Sixty-five years lapsed before Maeda and Rauschkolb shook hands.  Forgiveness is not something one just wakes up and does.  It is not easy.  It takes wisdom and strength.  If Madea and Rauschkolb can shake hands after trying to kill each other, maybe the next time a person cuts me off in my car I might just decide it is in my power not to let someone else’s actions dictate how I feel.